


a desperation of words never spoken

by Splivy



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Loki, Emotional Thor, Hurt Loki, Hurt Thor, Loki is feeling things, Ragnarok deleted scene, thor ragnarok - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26709073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splivy/pseuds/Splivy
Summary: Loki screams. “No!”There’s so much he wants to say but can’t, and he is realizing he never will get to say these things. Things he’s held in for so long, and wanted so desperately to say....Or, Loki’s thoughts during Thor: Ragnarok deleted scene
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	a desperation of words never spoken

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry I’m doing anything else but writing more chapters and installments to my current stories. I swear their in the works, it’s just so slow and I’m so sorry. 
> 
> Anyways, this was really fun to write and I’d been working on it for a while. Finally, it is done!
> 
> Alas, you may be on your way to reading it. 
> 
> Comments are always read and always appreciated even if I don’t always reply!

When Loki first saw Odin, swaying on his feet and digging through literal trash, he was amused. For a moment, he thought  _ how does it feel, how does it feel to be reduced to nothing and bare of everything you once knew?  _

But when he looked again ( _ really looked _ ) he realized he may have made a mistake. And, okay, that much was obvious, but he never meant for  _ this  _ to happen. He just wanted to hurt the old man, just a little. He never meant for his magic to warp his father’s mind ( _ you call him father now? _ ). Loki never meant to drive him to madness. 

Yet there Odin was, brought down low and crawling through the Midgardian streets like a peasant of the lower villages of Asgard. 

And Loki just felt horrible. Thor was next to him, and his presence was an anchor despite the fuming anger boiling off his skin.  _ Anger towards you,  _ someone sneered in his head. He was not sure whose voice it was, but he also supposed it did not particularly matter. Not in this case.

“What did you do to him,” Thor asks, and Loki could hear the barely-repressed fury behind the words.

A childish part of himself wants to protest, wants to demand  _ me, what have I done? How about what the old man has done to me?  _ But he supposed that was not relevant at the moment, and a little childish. 

_ I fucked up,  _ is what he wants to say, but instead, he answers honestly. “I had to bind his magic and strip him of his memories,” he said. He grabs Thor’s arm to stop him, but he can not take his eyes off of Odin. “But I didn’t do this.”  _ Or, I didn’t mean to.  _

_ That is what you do, is it not? You ruin, you destroy. What made you think you could do anything else? _

“Father,” Thor calls, running toward the broken man digging through trash. Loki could not do anything else but follow. 

Immediately, Odin holds the garbage closer to his chest, as though it was a prized possession he could not lose. “Mine, I found it first, I found it first.”

“It’s okay,” Thor tries to soothe, one hand held out towards his father as if to calmly wield off a beast. “We’re here to take you home now.”

“Home,” Odin scoffs. “There is no home. There is no  _ hope.  _ Asgard is not a place.”

Loki see’s Thor frown in the corner of his eye, and he starts to realize just how big of a mistake he’s made. “No, it’s me, Thor-,”

“I know,” Odin almost sings. “You’re Thor. You’re my son Thor.”

Odin places a dirt-stained hand gently on Thor’s face, looking at him with a sort of adoration, but only for a moment before his attention is drawn to Loki. 

And suddenly Loki is a child again, desperately reaching for attention and love and something else he could never quite put his finger on. He is aware of his own edges, sharp and dangerous, and he feels the need to hold himself back so he doesn’t cut anyone.  _ Maybe I should,  _ he thinks. It’d be easy. 

_ Or you’d just wound up cutting yourself. _

_ (Would that be so bad?) _

_ Oh Norns,  _ Loki thinks. He fights the urge to take a step back when Odin moves closer to him, planting his feet against the pavement. 

“Oh, and my other son,” Odin says.

_ Now? Now you call me son? After all of the rejection and disappointment? Don’t tell me all it took was  _ this  _ to have you  _ see me. 

Loki’s breath hitches in his chest, and he clenches his hands into fists. 

“Your lawless nature, the storms within you, you inherited from me,” Odin spews. “You are my  _ son.  _ You are both my sons.” Loki can’t help but feel like a knife has twisted in his chest when he sees Odin look at him with the same adoration he did Thor. 

_ What am I supposed to say to that? What should I say to that?  _

_ Come home,  _ the child in him wants to beg.  _ Come home, let me fix this, let me do something right.  _

“I’m sorry I failed you,” Odin says, and Loki does not know if it was directed towards him, or Thor, or both. Probably both, but there is something about the way that Odin is looking at him that shines with a great regret. It should make Loki feel victorious in some way, but it just makes his shoulders feel as heavy as Thor’s hammer.

“No, father,” Thor protests, but it sounds weak and confused in his voice. “It is us who have failed you.”

“We don’t have time for this,” Odin barks, moving away from them, and Loki can not stop his small step towards his father, as though he were moving to follow him. “It’s here now… Ragnarok.”

Thor is shaking his head, frowning at his father, and Loki simply… stands there.  _ What am I supposed to do?  _

“What did you say,” Thor asks.

Odin jumps towards them, and they both flinch back. “Ragnarok! Ragnarok! The fall of  _ As _ gard. I can not hold her back any longer.”

“Hold back who,” Thor is asking frantically. “Who, who are you talking about?”

Loki already knows before his father speaks that it will be another secret. Another secret in which Odin has suppressed from everyone, another secret he has papered over for centuries with  _ lies,  _ and that anger Loki remembers well towards Odin comes back for just a moment. 

“Thor Goddess of  _ Death,”  _ Odin practically sneers. “And she comes, with chaos… and  _ havoc.”  _

Again, Loki can not help but flinch back from the man who has been broken down to nothing, who once stood tall, who was once the peacekeeper of all the Nine Realms. Now…  _ Look at what you have done. Did you truly think the outcome of your actions would be anything less? He is dying. He is dying because of you.  _

He clenches his fists harder, digging his nails into the center of his palms, the pain grounding him. 

“You need to come with us,” Thor is telling him, but Loki can already feel it.

There is a shift in the air, as though the very matter taking up the space around them thickens, and Loki can feel how heavy it is as he breathes. And the only thing he can think is  _ what the hell do I do?  _ Or rather,  _ what the hell have I done?  _

Odin holds up a gauze-wrapped hand to stop Thor from speaking, and they all turn towards the site of the dark energy flooding the air, and there near the wall across the alleyway, a crack in space opens, light bellowing out. It is no heavenly light, no. No message from Valhalla or the Norns. It is thick with hatred and anger and pure  _ evil.  _

Odin turns to Thor, who is still frowning with this horrible expression that suggests he  _ knows  _ what is about to happen. “It’s already begun,” Odin says quietly. “There is no escape. You need to seek out the fire.  _ Seek out the fire! _ ”

Odin’s hand shoots out to flatten itself against Thor’s forehead, and while Loki thinks it is going to be a vision meant only for Thor, he is simultaneously mistaken.

_ Fire. Burning. Screams. Desperation. Death. Asgard in flames for all the Nine Realms to see, and there is no escaping it, it is the only way, there is  _ nothing else.  _ Seek out the fire, seek out the fire, seekoutthefireseekout- _

Thor and Loki both come out of it as sharply as they are pulled in, and Thor stumbles back, but Loki grabs him to steady him. His head is pounding in his skull, his heart beating frantically against his ribs like a bird trying to escape its cage _.  _ He can only imagine Thor must feel the same. 

Odin is already halfway across the alleyway when they both manage to shake it off, waving at them frantically. “Come on!”

They can do nothing else but obey. Loki does not dare do anything else. Not after this. 

_ He’s dying. Asgard will perish. It will burn. This is all on you.  _

He grits his teeth, trying again to push the voice away but to no avail. 

Odin stops Thor and Loki from following with a sudden and almost frantic outburst of, “kneel.”

It’s directed to Thor, and Loki should feel jealousy and resentment, but instead he doesn’t know exactly what he feels. It reminds him of being a younger prince, walking around the palace as a mere shadow of Thor’s, knowing he can never measure up to the golden goodness that was his brother. But he also remembered how he couldn’t wait to see Thor be the great king Loki knew he could oneday be. 

Thor’s frown deepens, and Loki notices his fists gripping harder around the handle of his hammer (still disguised as a Midgardian umbrella). “What?”

“ _ Kneel!” _

Thor shakily lowers down to his knee before Odin. 

Loki still doesn’t believe Thor is truly ready, but obviously he will not voice this now, nor does he think there is really a choice in the matter. 

Odin places his gloved hand atop Thor’s head, and Loki suddenly feels very out of place. 

“Wait, father-,” Thor tries, but he doesn’t get a chance to voice his objection. 

“You preserve the peace, and cast aside your selfish ambition-,”

The ripple in space tears further, and the darkness flowing from it is almost enough to draw Loki to his knees. 

“-and act only for the good of the realm.”

“Father!” Thor finally cries, rising from his knee to his feet, but it’s no use. There is a desperate anger in his brother’s eyes that Loki finds he wishes he could will away. 

Thor was  _ king. _

“It’s already done,” Odin says. “Settled. I surrendered my power to  _ you. _ ”

_ Does it hurt? To still be considered less than, even in what seems to be your father’s last moments? _

No, Loki thinks. This will not be Odin’s last moments. It can’t be. It  _ can’t  _ be.

The tear vibrates through Loki’s bones, and he is sure Thor and Odin can feel it as well. It’s almost as if it is screaming. 

Their attention is brought to it as it widens. 

“She has returned,” Odin says, and all Loki can think is  _ who the hell are you talking about? Tell me, tell us. Let us help you.  _

But he doesn’t get to say these things. The tear in space reaches towards Loki’s magic, as well as it must reach towards Odin and Thor’s, twisting and wrenching itself apart as, with a last cry, a form comes to fruition in the golden darkness shining through the ripple. 

A lean, tall woman steps forward from the tear, her black hair blowing in the wind, pale skin practically glowing with unhealth and neglect. The dark circles under her eyes are prominent, but what Loki notices more is the calmed craze behind her pupils that promises nothing but destruction and pain. 

And Loki  _ hates _ how he sees himself so clearly in her. 

_ Who are you,  _ he wonders inwardly. 

“Seek out the fire,” Odin says once again. 

Thor gives his father one last glance before taking steps towards the woman, and Loki doesn’t hesitate to follow. His brother lifts his hammer, and Loki can feel the electric current in the air before the thunder god even summons his lightning. He brings it down, and while Thor’s armor appears to his form out of nowhere, Loki too relinquishes his magic to bring his own green leathers (that look much too similar to this “goddess of death’s” than he would like) to his body. 

For a moment, it’s just the three of them: Thor and Loki on one side, staring down the goddess of death on the other. And again, Loki is taken aback at how much of himself he can see in this tortured woman, not just physically, but  _ there,  _ in the eyes. 

Odin steps forward. “Return home,” he tells them. “Our people need you.”

_ Not your people,  _ the vicious voice in Loki’s mind continues.  _ Never your people. You are nothing, a part of nothing.  _

He wants to ram his head against a wall. 

“Hela,” Odin addresses her. 

So her name is Hela. 

Odin and Hela take steps closer towards each other, and of course Loki and Thor follow, because they can do nothing else. Loki hates it. 

After what feels like an eternity, the two are face to face, and they only stare for a moment, and Thor and Loki hang back, exchanging a quick glance of shared anxiety before turning back to the pair. 

“Father,” Thor calls out with doubt and uncertainty. 

Loki can’t make his voice  _ work.  _ There’s so much he wants to say, but he just can’t. 

Odin ignores him. Hela only stares harder until a smirk stretches across her lips, and  _ Norns,  _ she looks so much like Loki that it scares him. 

“After all I accomplished in your name,” she finally speaks, and Loki thinks her voice is just as cold as her stare. “Tell me, why was I condemned?”

_ I was too, _ Loki can’t help but think.  _ I tried so hard to accomplish so much for Odin, and instead I was cast out.  _

_ No, Loki… _

_ No, Loki… _

_ No, Loki… _

He flinches from the memory, and he feels Thor tense next to him. 

“You took everything from me,” Hela says, her cold calmness breaking only a little. 

When Odin speaks, Loki can’t help but notice there is a gentleness there, a gentleness he never remembered receiving. 

_ Your birthright was to die! _

_ If it were not for me, you would not be here to hate me today. _

_ No, Loki… _

He swallows. 

“You gave up everything to pursue your twisted dream. Your way was  _ cold.  _ And brutal.”

_ Oh Norns,  _ Loki thinks.  _ So was mine. Is this my future? Is this what is in store for me? This tortured loneliness?  _

_ You always were better off alone. You were never meant to be a part of anything.  _

_ Shut up,  _ he thinks to himself, and it takes him a moment to realize he almost let it slip aloud. 

Something in Hela’s gaze shifts as she stares Odin up and down, and Loki  _ knows.  _ He knows before he can do a single thing. 

_ Still too slow. Still not good enough.  _

“It still is,” she says, a sword unsheathing as if from out of nowhere, and it’s thrusted through Odin’s gut before anyone can move or do a damned thing about it. 

“Father!”

Loki screams. “ _ No _ !”

It’s all falling apart now, and he can’t do anything about it. He can only stand there and watch as Odin clutches at his stomach, and falls to ground, almost in slow motion. Loki feels so much weight on him all at once. 

_ Please don’t die. I cursed you, I hated you, I loved you, but I never wanted you dead.  _

There’s so much he wants to say but can’t, and he is realizing he never will get to say these things. Things he’s held in for so long, and wanted so desperately to say. 

_ Why did you ignore me? Why did you allow a prejudice against Jotun to grow in a house where you knew you raised one? Why did you claim to love me, only to throw me aside like trash? You never had such eyes for me as you had for Thor, your firstborn, your heir, your golden prince of Asgard. I was but a mere shadow, and when I tried to shine through in the sun, you  _ wouldn’t let me _! _

And so much regret. 

_ I am sorry I shamed you. I am sorry I wasn’t the son you hoped for, or wanted, or needed. I am sorry I cast you aside as you cast me aside. I am sorry I am sorry iamsorrysorrysorrysorry- _

His chest is  _ hurting,  _ but he is also  _ raging  _ with a fuel like fire, a strong, blazing fire brighter than Thor’s lightning. It grows within him and he wants to  _ kill.  _ He wants to completely rip apart flesh, hear her scream as he is screaming in his mind. He wants to make her feel a pain she would never have imagined. 

_ I will make you long for something as sweet as pain. _

He can’t think about  _ him  _ right now. He can’t. He can only watch his father dying on the ground. 

Before he can process it, Thor’s hammer is flung across the alley, aiming to hit Hela square in the center, but instead of watching her fall, she does something Loki and Thor have never seen  _ anyone  _ or  _ anything  _ ever do in the history of Mjolnir in Thor’s hand. Or anyone’s hand for that matter. 

She  _ stops  _ it. Her arm outstretched, hand clutching the hammer, the weapon trembling from the force of her grip and Loki watches Thor try to pull it back with a stunned, confused frown on his face. 

_ Who the hell are you? _

And then she  _ breaks  _ it. Her fingers wrap around the magic metal meant to be unbreakable, and shatters it like a simple piece of glass, without effort. 

_ Seriously? Who the hell are you? _

The power from the newly shattered hammer generates enough magic to blast the brothers back, Thor slamming against a wall, Loki’s back hitting the metal of a dumpster  _ hard.  _

He recovers quickly, and his eyes meet Odin’s. 

And he can see the words in his father’s eyes. 

_ Go back. Go back now.  _

_ I can’t.  _

_ Yes you can. You can.  _

He hesitates, wanting to communicate  _ so much more,  _ but he just  _ can’t,  _ because there is a literal crazy goddess of death in the alleyway about to murder all of them. 

He clenches his fists, gives his father one last look, a look he can’t for sure say what it means, and steers his gaze to the sky. 

“Bring us back!”

“No, Loki!”

_ No, Loki… _

_ No, Loki… _

_ No, Loki… _

_ I’m sorry, Thor. I’m so sorry.  _

And he’s lifted off his feet, eyes on Thor’s outstretched hand, reaching for something neither can have any longer. 

Loki was never sure he ever had it all. 

Now he never will.


End file.
